A man's biggest dilemma! Mother or Wife?

Marriage brings in a lot of changes. Not just in the woman's life, but also in that of a man's. His biggest dilemma in life starts taking the center stage, specially if he chooses to stay with his parents and newly wed wife under the same roof. If you're caught between the woman who raised you and the woman you have to spend the rest of your life with, you can pry yourself from between the rock and a hard place using diplomacy. The most common theory men adapt to resolve this situation is to stay away in a new house to avoid the saas-bahu tantrums. But this remedy may not be feasible with all men, specially with those who still tend to be mamma's boys. Balancing the two most important women in your life is an art. Some men will eventually master this art, but some will simply escape from it. Which one are you?

UNDERSTANDING TIES

MOTHER: The mother is the first woman a man comes in contact with. A boy worships his mother until he weans himself away in adolescence. If a man is unable to take decisions alone, it reflects upon the mother. Such a relationship could become overly protective and hamper growth. A mother credits herself with your creation, but now has to share you with someone younger and prettier. She wants to see you happy and fulfilled, but at the same time she does feel pangs of jealousy too. This is not the same with the mothers of daughters who are married away to a man. Mothers feel proud at the thought of getting their daughters married away and seeing them settle down in their new house. But why do mothers seem to have a problem when their sons get a new girl into her own home?

WIFE: Your partner in crime and life, you both are going to raise children together, send them off into their own lives and grow old together. The foundation for this relationship is set before marriage by getting to know each other very well. A wife feels like she had left her parents, friends, old life and sometimes even country to be a part of yours and thus has high expectations. She would expect her husband to support her more at the beginning, than stand by his mother and judge her acts.

PREPARE THE GROUND

Respect the most vital element in balancing both these relationships. Your mother loves you unconditionally and will ignore disrespectful behavior, but a wife has expectations and cannot forgive transgressions. This is the key to ensure that both women have equally important, and separate roles to play in your life.

-Before marriage, spend time to get to know your wife-to-be better. Take interest in her work and friends.

-Ensure that your mother has no reason to feel insecure because of the new woman in your life. Continue traditions such as hugging her before going to work, taking her out for ice-cream or grocery shopping, or simply talking about your day when you get home.

-Take your mother's advice and help in making your wife feel comfortable in her new home. This will make her feel involved in your life. The wife will see your mother as a pleasant facilitator and not an enemy.

-The kitchen is a common war ground, but it need not be. If your mother likes cooking something for you, let her. Encourage your wife to prepare something that she is good at.

-Do not praise the one's cooking in front of the other. Appreciate and thank each one of them separately. Even if it's a small gesture like getting flowers, buy them for both women.

-Appreciate your alone time with your mother and set it into a routine. Have dinner with her, going to temple, visiting relatives, etc.

-Do not talk about one to the other when you are alone. Listen to them equally, but bad-mouthing them will give the other the license to do the same and feed the animosity.

-Do not exchange what one has said about the other. If you find the complaint logical, do some research and nip it in the bud in your own manner.

-It will be of great value to say "I love you" to both of them frequently.

-Never lose your temper at one in front of the other.

-When both of them are arguing, encourage them to communicate and deal with it in their own way. Step into it only if it gets aggressive and you feel you are capable of dealing with it. Else you could always involve your father to help you make your decisions.

-Never make fun of your wife's profession or family in front of the other. This is like inviting big trouble for yourself.

WHAT TO SAY

Communicating ground rules firmly and repeatedly will work better than having loud fights. Do your homework and set boundaries for both.

-Convey to your mother that your wife is capable of taking appropriate decision regarding dressing, socializing, spending money, raising children and visiting parents, and should be left alone in these matters. If you have problems in either of the above areas, you can talk about them with your wife, without making your mother a party to the conversation.

-Similarly communicate with your wife about quality time with your mother and allowances(if she is financially dependent). Explain to her about duties she has undertaken for decades and tell her not to interfere with them unless invited.

-If your wife intends to pursue a career after marriage, and your mother hopes to have some help with the housekeeping, resolve the situation before collision. Suggest hiring household help for your mother and make it clear that your wife needs rest when she returns home and enjoys a social life as well.

-Don't bias your wife's needs, with that of your mother's. Be fair to both.

Happiness lies in the essence of sharing and caring. Be it in any relationship :)